New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize