We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
