I CAN MOONWALK!
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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