Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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