omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize