I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I could make wine with my vomit
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
