I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
