Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
