I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
