I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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