go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
