got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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