I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
