You really coming over, don't trick.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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