I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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