I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
