You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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