I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
