Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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