god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
