It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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