No stitches, just platelets and will power
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
