that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
