i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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