i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
