I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I could make wine with my vomit
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
