It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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