I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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