I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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