i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize