I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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