I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
