Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
