don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
