I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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