i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
