I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
