I'm jealous of your bromance
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize