I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Who died my cat blue again?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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