Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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