my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
