People in love make me want to vomit
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
