seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
