TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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