I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
