you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
