My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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