Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
