Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
