Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
