So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
what day is it and did you see me today?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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