I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
