whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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