I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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