party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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